“I don’t hate anyone,
at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime.”
—Charles Barkley (NBA Legend)
Tonight’s “Donkey-Elephant (Democrats vs. Republicans) Basketball Classic” at Carson High School promises to be another floor-burner, much like Tuesday’s night’s Assembly Floor session.
If good will can be had (and hatred contained) on the hardwood court of the Carson Senators, there may even be hope for the Legislative session itself—barring “overtime” (i.e., a dreaded Special Session)(cue ominous music).
The lineups for tonight’s game seem to favor the GOP. In the recent past, the Elephants have had to rely mostly on aging white Republicans. This year’s team still has exclusively white players (who we all know can’t jump), but due to the GOP sweep in last November’s elections there is at least some younger white talent on the pachyderm squad.
Given that Democrats are no longer in the majority and therefore can’t rewrite rules and put Harlem Globetrotter and Final Four ringers on the court, chances are the trophy will end up back in Republican hands—barring the one ace-in-the-hole option the “Demoncrats” have of winning: Harvey Munford suiting up for the Party of Jefferson.
Quiet negotiations have been taking place in an undisclosed location with Adam Laxalt reprising the role of his grandfather, Paul, who succeeded in a negotiation that led to Ferdinand Marcos stepping down from his rule in the Philippines. Whether this ends with Munford donning a Republican jersey tonight will be a game-time announcement.
As the “R” coach, I’ve asked Doc. Joe Hardy to be on the bench with the obligatory cardiopulmonary resuscitation equipment. My strategy, if Harvey does suit up for the Ds, will be to employ a “Hack-a-Shaq” approach with Assemblyman Chris Edwards assigned to commit intentional fouls and get under dear old Harvey’s skin. (Earlier this week, Edwards proved on the Floor of the Assembly that he could be a very effective pain in the behind, just before he was ordered to the bench by teammate Assemblywoman Michele Fiore.)
Speaking of the “Pistol-packing Mama,” Assemblywoman Fiore has been invited to play on the team but is rumored to be putting together a rival Republican group of her own with Chuck Muth as coach. Frankly, I’d be a little worried that she might take instructions to “shoot” a little too literally. (Not to worry, dear friends. Fiore’s “campus carry” bill has not yet become law, and officials at Carson High may not allow her in the building if she is packing heat–which, as she has demonstrated of late, she has abundance of, both literally and figuratively.)
Speaking of locker rooms, and given the recent controversy over AB 375, teams have not been assigned Home or Visitors changing rooms and have been instructed to simply show up at the gym ready to play at 7:30 tonight.
Democrats expected to play a starting role on that somewhat talent-depleted team are: Senator Mo Denis (he wears an 80s-style headband and gets most of his points by cherry-picking), Senator Kelvin Atkinson (who actually has some game but plays defense horribly), Assemblyman Elliot Anderson (who is a stickler for the rules and argues incessantly with the refs, insisting he knows the law better than them), and possibly Assemblyman Tyrone Thompson (who has demonstrated an admirable deftness on the hardball courts of the Legislature). Minority Leader Marilyn Kirkpatrick was slated to play, but talks broke down with the retiring lawmaker when “smoke breaks” could not be amended into the rules.
On the R side, Senate Majority Leader Mike Roberson will keep Senate Minority Leader Aaron Ford busy (just as he has so far this session, and possibly in off-the-court, secret end-of-game discussions that we will all read about later) designed to lead to a win for the Rs while also furthering both of their political careers.
Republican hopes lie, though, just as they did in November, with Governor Brian Sandoval. The former Bishop Manogue player will be on the court tonight in advance of holding court in the Capitol with players from both teams. Tonight’s game will be good practice for our Chief Executive, who will need to come up with a few unexpected plays of his own in order to get his budget passed this session.
Other emerging stars for the performing elephants will be Assemblyman David Gardner (who is soft spoken but carries a big rebounding stick), Assemblyman Derek Armstrong (who some worry may try to hide the ball as cleverly as he has his Assembly tax plan) and, of course, Majority Leader Paul Anderson (who has been carrying the ball for Assembly Republicans the entire session and who some fear may be too damn tired to be really effective tonight).
Regardless of tonight’s outcome, a good time will likely be had by all–though I do hope the game doesn’t end up in overtime. As Sir Charles Barkley said, we “don’t want to hate anyone” for more than the prescribed time.